Perfectly Imperfect

Every person has flaws, and that is beautiful. What is difficult is when you are painfully aware of these imperfections, constantly trying to hide them, and having people call you out on them… especially when these people are extremely close to you.

There is some sort of drive buried deep inside of me that enjoys being vulnerable and putting these things out to the world. A huge part of this, is my love for writing. It is one  of my favorite ways to relieve stress and worry. I can take what I am going through in a particular moment in time, freeze it in that moment and capture its essence in words before it melts away. I love the essence of the world, of emotions, and interactions. The essence is what is remembered by the cells through the senses. I love knowing that my nervous system, free from interference, can save pieces of my life and that I can recall them in an instant.  

Right now I am struggling with this gap I feel in society. There is so much discrimination that still takes place on so many levels. I feel a huge pressure to meet all expectations despite my disability and then shatter my goals. Having done this many times in my past, it feels like the stakes just keep getting higher and higher.  I remember when I was having eye surgery after eye surgery in high school they thought I may not graduate on time… well, I did with straight A’s and then double majored in undergrad and finished by the time I was only 21.  They did not think I could become a doctor because of my low vision, and now I am. So many challenges and so many expectations. Yes, I definitely place a great deal of pressure on myself, sometimes too much, but if I did not push myself ever, where would I be right now? Would I be trapped in Michigan in a desk job feeling like I never reached my potential? I do not know where I would be and who I would be if I had not been  faced with such adversity.

My dreams are so much greater than practice, I want to make an impact on the world. My latest is consulting for another chiropractic college on two visually impaired students they have starting soon. An article I had published in a magazine prompted this school to contact me and now I feel so excited to be giving back to other students and helping them have the best experience possible, which I was no afforded during my schooling.  This is not about me, it is so much greater than I could ever imagine! This is about making an impact, not an impression. This is about shattering my personal goals and striving to create new ones. This is about finding an inner strength and grasping on to it when nobody is looking. I know that I am getting stronger. I know that I can give more just when I do not think I have anything left. I recognize that the extreme pressure I place on myself and others around me is not from a place of hate but from a misunderstood place of love. I am posing the question to myself, right now, how can I express this in a more loving way? How can I reduce my own stress, letting go of the fear that if I am not stressed then I am not working hard enough?  I have been going through a Standard Process protocol for adrenal fatigue for months. Following graduate school I am quite sure my adrenal glands were nonexistent! Maybe I did too much during school, but looking back I feel like I did not do enough! It was being president of many clubs, founding others, having two national positions, being on the board of two not for profit organization by the age of 19, speaking at national conferences, writing in five publications, meeting the top professionals in my field, and pushing myself to the limits that got me here today!  I am constantly tapping into my innate memory to remember the words of my mentors, build on the experiences out there in the universe, and create an amazing epicenter for change in Santa Barbara.  I am realizing I am human and that I am so perfectly flawed in so many ways.  I am struggling with letting go of certain small things while still making sure to go step by step in order to reach my potential. How do you find balance in this chaotic world? The bigger question for me personally is, can I let go enough of the self inflicted pressure but still accomplish every one of my goals?  Am I  strong enough to make the changes necessary to impact this world?